Recently Kate and I were making dinner, with my Ipod on a shuffle of Paul Simon tunes, and the song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” came on. Ever the observant one, Kate pointed out that in the song he only lists FIVE ways.

I love Paul Simon (click here for my top 10 favorite Paul Simon songs, of which this isn’t even one, though nonetheless, how can I resist the great tune, Steve Gadd’s drum groove and so on?), and I recognize his poetic license, but c’mon already! Far be it from me to stand idly by while my wife is dissatisfied, so I decided to help her (and Paul) out by coming up with 45 more. There are presumably others, but this at least brings it up to the proper number, while maintaining the song’s presupposition that this is a man’s departure under discussion.

DISCLAIMER #1: there is a fair bit of rhythmic/metric variety here, but each of these ways to leave your lover has been carefully vetted to fit within the (now-extended) song structure.

DISCLAIMER #2: the lover-leaving methods contained herein are for fictional purposes and do not reflect the viewpoints on fidelity held by the creator of this list or those entities he represents. In other words, men, stay put. Unless, you know, you have to go, in which case . . .

Take a hike, Mike

Look through new frames, James

Get away from the pain, Wayne

Slide away in your sled, Ned

Get up and go, Moe

Don’t stop to grieve, Steve

Get out tout de suite, Pete

Get in the car, Jair

And fill up the tank, Hank

Or hop in your Rover, Grover

Buck up and be brave, Dave

Get out and move on, Juan

Slide though the grate, Nate

It’s time to reject her, Hector

Time to find your bliss, Chris

Leave as soon as you’re ready, Freddie

Don’t waste your time there, Pierre

Go with what you feel, Gilles

Let me say it again, Sven

Don’t keep the truth hid, Sid

Give the door a new lock, Brock

Write, call or text her, Dexter

Her welcome is worn, Bjorn

Sign a new lease, Maurice

Stop paying the rent, Brent

Float down in a barrel, Carroll

Sail off in your ark, Mark

Don’t keep yourself here, Sabir

Load up the UHaul, Paul

Get the scissors and trim, Tim

Up up and away, Clay

Go off with a bang, Wolfgang

You need to keep things fresh, Dinesh

Walk off down the block, Jacques

Have ’em forward your mail, Gail

And the box that it’s held in, Sheldon

Go out the side, Clyde

Get away quick, Rick

Find yourself a new thing, Ling

Get straight in your head, Ahmed

Don’t stall or delay, Ray

Ride off on your cow, Joao

Or gallop on your steed, Reed

Be strong, not weak, Malik

No more of your jivin’ Ivan

(and get yourself free)